Amores que matan.

Siempre me pregunte que sentiría en el momento que tuviera muchos hombres con quien salir. Ahora lo se. Es lo mismo, solo que se complica mas que cuando tienes uno a quien amar, o llamar desesperadamente por que quieres tener sexo.
Estaba segura que cuando le dijera a Pablo que no nos viéramos mas, me iba a sentir mejor. Pero no, ahora pienso que seria agradable ir con el a la playa de nuevo. Pero no lo voy a llamar, ni siquiera me gusta, y salir con hombres nada mas por no estar sola, es algo en lo que no quiero volver a caer.
Por otro lado estaba Marcelo, el Uruguayo infantil que había conocido en Febrero cuando estaba de vacaciones, el niño de lindos ojos que estaba loca por ver cuando llegue de nuevo a Miami. Nos habíamos visto varias veces desde que llegue a la ciudad, y la verdad era que me hacia reír, pero con los días empecé a darme cuenta que no teníamos buen sexo, y que siempre que nos veíamos, estábamos ebrios y eran las 4 o 5 de la madrugada. Así que igual que con Pablo, decidí que no lo vería mas.
La ultima vez que estuvimos juntos, logre sacarle mas palabras de lo normal, ya que no me había tomado ni un solo trago, y mientras estaba acostado en mi sofá, lo miraba preguntándome, qué le veo? El tiempo transcurrió entre malos besos y sexo doloroso, hasta que no pude mas y le dije que se fuera, que estaba muy tarde. Ese día como ninguno hablamos y supe que al igual que yo él también tenia sueños, que se iba a otra ciudad a buscar dinero para por fin poder viajar a España, esa fue mi excusa perfecta para no verlo mas.
Así que entre chistes flojos y una linda sonrisa, se vistió y cerro la puerta. Yo me sentí algo triste, pero al minuto logré cerrar los ojos tranquila porque por fin me podría dormir.
Hace como un mes estuve haciendo un remplazo en una gasolinera y en la que conocí a Jhonny, un cubano con los ojos mas lindos que jamás había visto, pestañas enredadas y la estatura perfecta para alguien de mi tamaño. Los días transcurrieron entre dulces miradas y una extraña sensación en el estomago que me hacia ir muy arreglada y feliz a trabajar todos los días. De repente me encontré en la banca del paradero del bus que me llevaba a casa, de la mano con un completo extraño que me tenia loca. Ese día quedamos de vernos para salir, ya que los dos estábamos de acuerdo que existía una gran atracción la cual no teníamos idea de donde había nacido. Durante el siguiente mes, nos vimos en mi casa como dos veces, fuimos a la playa, tomamos cocteles, nos besamos y un buen día cuando la ocasión lo ameritaba, tuvimos sexo, tan bueno, que hoy sigo pensando que supera a mi ex-novio. No se equivocó mi amiga Alexandra, al decir que los Cubanos, son los mejores amantes.
De los tres, Jhonny es el que mas me gusta, y aunque su trabajo no es el ideal, tiene sueños e ilusiones igual que yo, y hasta una casa con un perro, un gato, y yo adentro de ella, viviendo con el. Al principio pensé que estaba loco por querer vivir conmigo, pero ahora que siento algo bien lindo, creo que me iría a vivir con él, aún con el miedo de saber que tal vez, una Colombiana liberal y un Cubano que llego en balsa a buscar un mejor futuro tal vez no sean la mejor pareja.
Quisiera decir que esta historia tiene un final feliz, y que me quedé con el mejor hombre del mundo, y que estoy pensando hasta en tener un hijo con él. Pero no, hoy llame a Jhonny, y le dije que no quería verlo mas, quería desahogarme por haberme dejado metida de nuevo sin razón aparente. Cuando colgué supe que no me iba a llamar de nuevo, porque antes de conocerme tenía una vida con alguien, o simplemente porque quiere estar solo. Así que aquí estoy, llegando de la playa donde estaba mirando el mar, sin una pareja que me abrace, pero tranquila porque sigo mi camino sin estar al lado de amores, que a la larga te dejan sin nada.

Good bye.

Never, never, never give up.
Even when they kick your head when you hit the ground.
Even when you feel that the whole world has turned against you.
Even when it's not fair, everybody left you behind, when you feel that nobody cares about you.
Even when you feel it's over, even then, never, never give up.
Because when you don't expect it, somebody is going to give you a hand
somebody that you didn't know cares about you and believe that you
really are an amazing human being and you can keep moving.
That person will make you forget about all the bad times
and the bad situations that you lived before.
That person will show you that life has a new meaning
and that bad times are over and you have to move on.

It is time to say good bye and thank you, because what doesn't kill
you makes you stronger. Life is short, we have to enjoy it.

Sasha

Are we really SInners?

Sunday afternoon I decided to leave the Exxxpo and go home. Tired of waling, working, drinking, talking, helping, for who knows how many hours during the weekend I dragged myself out the door to experience probably the funniest moment from the whole 3 days. There was 2 crazy Christians (don't get me wrong I was raised Catholic, probably one of the most boring religions ever) guys protesting and screaming at people saying that we were gonna go to hell, that we were having sex with animals (is there such thing?) etc. I stopped for a second and I said to myself. I already know I am going to hell (lol) so why not telling them a thing or two? I had some DVDS (porns obviously) and I crossed the street and offered them to the guy who almost passed out of anger. He literally started screaming at me saying we're all sinners, that we have sex with animals and with whoever, bla bla. The whole thing turned even more interested when another guy got next to me and started telling them things back, then other lady, then more people. At some point we were all screaming back at them, laughing and having fun. The guys with the Megaphone and the Banners looked like they we're gonna die of a heart attack. What's their purpose, do they really think they can change the world by doing that?

We're not here to judge anybody, and we don't judge people that has nothing better to do that stand outside of a really cool convention and scream religious nonsense to the Exhibitors and the Public. If you're there and you get to read my blog, let me tell you something, who's the crazy one here? I really don't thing we are. I really don't. This is a legitimate business like any other. We're not here to force anyone. All the girls that join our company are here because they want to, not because they have to. Even me, I have to tell you I love Porn people! We rule! We're upfront with the world, we don't hide under a sheet of lies like some people do, and we like it naked like god put us in this world. Isn't that in the Bible or something?

I may be wrong, but don't worry and don't get mad at me for thinking the way I do. Besides, I already bought my ticket, and is not really to Heaven. Even when I'm death, I will be recruiting for Porn probably.

kisses,

Sasha

It's nice to do girly things sometimes

Don't get me wrong, I love my man; it's just that sometimes is good to hang out with girls and do girly things, like shopping, and admire pink things, and drink pink cocktails and talk about nothing but brands, magazines, shoes and, of course men.

Being Married is a good thing, I don't go to bed alone, I get laid every day (more than I'd like to), I eat delicious things, and I always have somebody to take care of me and support me. But sometimes, you just want to cry over a girly movie, complain about the old wardrobe and why you can't never have too many shoes, and also go and spend the money you can't spend in beauty products, just because they smell great!

Who other than a girlfriend will understand a complain about being fat while you eat the entire box of chocolates? Who else will get the beauty of being able to get a $250 dollar massage, a 35 korean pedicure, and then go to a chick flick movie marathon and then not being able to pay rent?

It's good to hang out with girls, and do that thing girl we do together. Because, even though we need a man in our lifes, girls can give you a rare kind friendship that you'll never, never, will get from a boy.

The sheckys event was a lot of fun! Tons of girls buying pretty things and drinking pink cocktails!

Thank you Emily!

Sasha

The day I left Fantasyland

It's been a wonderful journey, but it's time for me to leave this crazy world of the adult film industry....
As of yesterday I stopped working for Bill Fisher, Fisher Studios/Club Jenna. I know you may want to know what happened, but I will just say it was the time for me to go. It seems that my position as a talent booker is something that could be vanished and there's no need to have it in a company like Fisher Studios
I have to say I enjoyed being there, specially because of the people that work there. Each and every one of them are extremely talented, and incredible human beings. I truly hope to keep in touch with them, just the fact that I met people like them, makes my time there priceless.
Emily, you are a great soul. I admire you like you have no idea. People like you deserve all my respect and I gotta tell you that without you, Fisher Studios is not complete. I wish you the very best and remember how strong you are when you're having Leila!
Aaron, thank you for your stories, and your potions, Ill keep buying stuff trough your site, thank you for all the health tips. I really hope you win that award.
To my buddies Roberto and Tanya, SEE YOU SOON! I hope Roberto gets that monitor he wants so he'll stop printing pink stuff instead of purple...
Tanya, remember when you're feeling stressed out, BREATH and of course go outside and smoke. I'll bring you the PUKA toys soon...
HIRO NEXT WEEK? hahahahaha
To all of you, THANK YOU for making me feel I was part of a very strange but beautiful family.
Bill, thank you for giving me a hand when I needed one. I will never forget that. Don't underestimate what you have, you're blessed with intelligent and talented people. I have to say I learned a thing or two from you.

To all my agents, recruiters, friends, pimps, promoters, to every source, every guy, girl that helped me soooo much THANK YOU

You are the reason why these companies are able to shoot every day. Without you, there will be no shoots, no movies.

To all the girls that I met trough 2 wonderful years. THANK YOU!
Save your money for the bad times, a pretty face and a rocking body won't last forever, so play the cards, but play them right.

With love and respect,


Sasha Spinelli

Hasta donde llegarias por no enganar a tu amor? Como reaccionas cuando te das cuenta que no vale la pena? Que tan imperfecto es todo esto, que nos hace fallar una vez y otra vez. Por que nunca estamos satisfechos con una misma carne, una misma piel. Siempre existe el deseo de correr a otros brazos aunque lo unico que se corre, es un riesgo muy grande.
Ese inutil pero encantador sentimiento de hacer algo que no debemos. El amor por lo incierto, el querer experimentar lo prohibido, algo que en realidad no vale nada...
Por que si fallas, y cometes el error de contarlo, vas a herir a la persona que no ha hecho nada mas que amarte. Por que si le dejas saber a ese otro que tu vida y corazon nunca seran suyos, tambien estas haciendo dano. Por todo lados. No vale la pena te lo digo, es completamente inservible entregarse a otros brazos cuando lo unico que puedes conseguir por un monento de pasion, es un inmenso dolor.
Dejalo asi, que no somos perfectos, pero que si debemos actuar con inteligencia, y madurar ese buen sabor de lo que ya tenemos, volviendolo cada dia mejor. Aunque a veces te aburra. Aunque a veces no sientas lo mismo. Es posible revivir algo de esa pasion del comienzo.
Todos extranamos el fuego de la primera vez, ese calor, ansia y emocion que te causa la primera vez que amas a alguien. La espera, los nervios, las mariposas.
Eso se acaba si, pero despues viene la seguridad, la tranquilidad, la estabilidad. No es lo mismo, lo se, pero son emociones que te brindan algo mucho mejor que la emocion del momento, que la alegria pasajera de meter a alguien que no conoces en tu cama. Te vuelves serio al respecto.
Le pones atencion a los detalles, los gestos, las adicciones, la manera de ser. Y de repente te das cuenta que ya no es lo mismo. Que arriesgar toda tu vida por alguien que no lo vale esta mal. Que es un precio muy caro el que se pagaria por un rato de placer. Que se convierte en algo vano y efimero. Te levantas, y te alejas. Es inutil que insistas. Yo, aunque no quiera, he madurado y no arriesgo mi amor por nada.

PORN, IS THAT TOO MUCH?

I left porn about 2 months ago, and I still don't get why is so hard to get a decent job outside of fantasy land. No, it's not what you think, I didn't have sex for a living, I was just in the other side of the camera as a production coordinator. When you work for a production company that produces porn movies, everything is different. High budgets fly left and right, there's always money to buy anything you need to make it happen, and the best of all, everybody is very open minded. No one will judge you no matter how weird you think, not only about sex, about everything... You can tell in the middle of an office your wildest dream, that nobody will get scared of what you're saying. I miss that.
Salaries in porn are incredibly high compared to a regular office job. Let's say you are an administrative assitant. Yes, porn offices have normal places where people work, other than the sex part. Next time you're watching a porn movie, think about it how many people took to make that happen? A lot. Anyway, a regular office job will go from 32000 to 38000 a year. That's a lot more than a regular office assistant will make. The higher the position gets, the higher the salary. Producers will make around 60k, office managers will make 60 to 70k; and it keeps going. Crazy money, crazy extras, trips, parties, events, you name it. It's like leaving in a movie where whores, drug dealers, models and normal people will hang out all together in a big, crazy, disfunctional family.
But you can also get tired of it. And that was my case. I got tired of being around empty people all the time. And now I miss it of course because I am writing about it.
It was just until I started looking a new job untill I realize the good part of being in a porn company. Now I see what it was, but hey since I got tired of it, I had to leave before it was too late for me. Now, I know is not going to be easy for me. I also know I can't go back to Fantasy Land. I believe if you want it, you'll get it. In the meantime, I'll just keep swimming.